


Introductions

by Fidget11



Category: Absolutely Fabulous
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:00:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fidget11/pseuds/Fidget11
Summary: Post seriesEdina and Patsy struggle to fit into a world of wokeness.Surprise news about Serge(New to fanfic and this was mainly written for my own amusement but if you like it all the better)
Kudos: 4





	Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> Post series  
> Edina and Patsy struggle to fit into a world of wokeness.  
> Surprise news about Serge   
> (New to fanfic and this was mainly written for my own amusement but if you like it all the better)

Title sequence  
**Int: Edina’s kitchen**  
_Saffron sits at the kitchen table on the phone to someone._

SAFFRON: Adopted! What are you on about? No of course I’m not upset. Hasn’t been that long! The last time you rang was 2002. Right, we won’t have any trouble keeping her away from there. Two metres within the building and she’d have an academic anaphylactic shock. Ok I’ve got that written down but I doubt she’ll go there. Ok if everything goes wrong we resort to the usual stories. Got to go she’s here now.

_Edina comes downstairs, she looks awful and is very hungover. There is lipstick spread across her face and her mascara has run. Her ginger curls resemble a birds’ nest after a harsh storm._

SAFFRON: What have you been doing?

EDINA: Not so loud sweetie. Your words are like a charging herd of wildebeest and my head is the Savannah.

SAFFRON: A wide empty space you mean.

EDINA: Ah! (Pleading) Can’t I have one of your homeopathic remedies for my headache darling, they usually do the trick.

SAFFRON: No you can’t. Your case of the munchies last night made sure of that. You’re the only person I know who gets high and then eats medicine.

EDINA: Can’t you just get some more?

SAFFRON: No because thanks to you I’m now banned from Holland & Barrettes.

EDINA: The ecstasy and vitamin C looked very similar. It was an easy mistake to make.

SAFFRON: (Changing the subject) You are going to work today, aren't you?

EDINA: Yes darling of course. I am the bread winner after all. I go and make the dough, whilst you make peanuts.

SAFFRON: Well then master baker your car has been waiting for an hour or shall I send for a boy on a bicycle to push you up a hill?

EDINA: Oh god, oh god oh god! I can’t go to the office looking like this. I’ll need at least 2 hours to get a decent outfit. Why are clothes so difficult?

SAFFRON: I’ve been asking the same question about you my whole life.

EDINA: Must you be so condescending? I’m trying to vent.

SAFFRON: Well you are full of hot air.

EDINA: Back to me please. We all know it’s sugar that makes you fat. Darling did you know the sugar in your body is transported in the blood. I’ve had half a dozen leeches on me and still nothing. The amount they drank there should be nothing but spring water flowing through my veins.

SAFFRON: With your blood sugar they’ll be treating them for type 2 diabetes.

EDINA: It’s no joke sweetheart I’m going on a health kick. I need to be thin! I’m surrounded by models everyday. Gorgeous elegant stick insects and what am I?

SAFFRON: A dung beetle.

EDINA: I’m not even an insect darling. I’m some cumbersome bird waddling around.

SAFFRON: A booby then.

_Saffron goes to the top of the kitchen stairs._

SAFFRON: Jane are you ready?

JANE(from upstairs): I’ll be down in a minute!

SAFFRON: Just because you’ve got free lessons in year 12 doesn’t mean you get to skip registration.

JANE: Urrgh!

SAFFRON: Five minutes, Ok.

_Saffron heads down stairs._

SAFFRON CONT’D: I’ve got to get Jane to sixth form then I’ll be at work.

EDINA: Darling, she’s old enough to get there herself. I let you use public transport from the age of five. You should trust her a little more.

SAFFRON: Forgive me if I don’t take your advice. The last time I trusted someone, (Looks at Edina accusingly) Jane ended up in the south of France.

_Saffy heads upstairs again._

**Int: Edina’s landing**

SAFFRON: Jane!

_Jane comes out of landing cupboard with her school bag into Saffron’s view._

JANE: Yeah mum.

SAFFRON: Oh there you are. Have you got everything in your bag?

JANE: Yes. I don’t see why you’re rushing. I don’t have a lesson until 11:00.

SAFFRON: The less time you spend in this house the better. Anyway I’ve got something important to tell you on the way there.

_Saffron opens the front door to leave, Patsy is there Smoking. Saffy is instantly annoyed by her presence._

SAFFRON CONT’D: Oh, it's you. Mum’s in the kitchen if you want her.

PATSY: Hobbit (Saffy), Midget (Jane)

_Saffy and Jane leave. Patsy heads down stairs._

**Int: Edina’s kitchen**  
_Patsy comes down the stairs. Edina is sat at the kitchen table._

PATSY: Hi Eddie. Could I scrounge a coffee?

EDINA: You can try pats but Saffy is gone so I don’t know where the beans are. we’ll have to go out for coffee, get something from a barista.

PATSY: Barista sounds like a small Italian pub. (Laughs at own joke)

EDINA: Here’s the plan I’ll get dressed, we’ll grab a coffee to go and then I have to go to the office. Bubbles holding down the fort but it won’t take much to make her pop.

PATSY: Alright I’ll wait in the living room. I’ve got some new pills I’ve been meaning to try so they’ll keep me busy.

**Int: Edina’s landing**  
_Edina comes downstairs in some outrageous outfit. It looks like the rainbow had an epileptic fit._

EDINA: Pats are you ready to go?

_Patsy stumbles through the living room doors clearly not ready._

PATSY: Of course Eddie let’s go.

EDINA(referring to outfit): Do you like it Pats it’s a mix of Westwood and La Croix?

PATSY: That depends on how much it cost.

EDINA: Oh it’s worth thousands.

PATSY: In that case you look fabulous.

EDINA: Come on, I’m late as it is, let's go get your coffee.

_Patsy and Edina head outside._

**Ext: Edina’s driveway.**  
_On the driveway is a small electric car with a sticker on the side of it saying end coffee cruelty._

PATSY: What the hell is this Eddie? (Points to car)

EDINA: (sighs) It’s the new campaign bubble’s signed me up to. I’m supposed to be protesting about non-fair trade coffee farmers exploiting their workers.

PATSY: But we can still get a costa can’t we?

EDINA: No Pats they’re just as bad. Saffy gave me a 15 minute lecture about how I can’t support them because they don’t pay taxes.

PATSY: What’s wrong with not paying tax I haven’t paid any since 1982.

EDINA: Really? You must give me the name of your accountant. We’ll find a little independent chain, common Pats.

_They get in the car and drive away._

**Ext: Coffee shops of London**  
_Edina and Patsy drive past a row of proper coffee shops._

PATSY: There’s one.

EDINA: No not that one. It has to be ethical.

PATSY: I don’t see why it matters I’ve ran out of coke so I need caffeine. Look there’s another one.

EDINA: I know darling but I’m getting a big deal with kenco if things go well so we’ve got to pretend to care.

PATSY: I hate it you can’t even have a drink without your moral compass being questioned.

EDINA: It doesn’t help that your compass points due east.

PATSY: Do you know who I blame. Academics people like your little parasite daughter insist that we behave. Well I want to have fun, it’s not like I’m the one exploiting them. It’s these academics and woke students. I bet they have hundreds of ethical coffee shops around their campuses.

EDINA: Pats.

PATSY: Their little educated microcosm of ethical goodness and knowledge.

EDINA:Pats!

PATSY: You don’t need a degree to get far in life you need dress sense.

EDINA: PATSY!

PATSY: Yes Eddie.

EDINA: That’s where we can get coffee. I’m sure all the cafes near Saffy’s old university will be safe for us.

**Ext: Coffee shop near a university.**  
_Edina and Patsy stop the car and walk into a coffee shop. Behind the counter is an 18 year old shop assistant called Charlotte._

EDINA: Alright Patsy I’ll order I know my espresso con panda from my Americano. Excuse me.

CHARLOTTE: Hi how can I help? Would you like to have a look at our board?

EDINA: We won’t need that. I’d like a Ma-chee-to (macchiato) and pats?

PATSY: Irish coffee, it’s nearly 12 and I’m too sober for this sort of thing.

EDINA: (to Charlotte) and an Irish coffee.

CHARLOTTE: I’m afraid we don’t serve alcohol here so we can’t sell Irish coffee. I can offer a gingerbread latte or a strawberry frappe.

PATSY: Don’t serve alcohol, you’re right next to a university for god’s sake! Student run on alcohol don’t they?

CHARLOTTE: No it’s caffeine now hence the shop.

PATSY: Right you maniacal millennial we’ll have the ma-chee-to and a horizontal white.

CHARLOTTE: Do you mean a macchiato and flat white?

PATSY: Well if that’s all you’ve got.

EDINA: There’s so many types now what ever happened to the cappuccino? You know it was much simpler in our day Pats.

CHARLOTTE: (laughs at Edina) You sound like a grandma (old person voice) in my day…

EDINA: Yes well I very much doubt I’m like your grandmother.

CHARLOTTE: I wouldn’t know I’ve never met her. She lives in the city though and my Dad actually described her wearing loud outfits like yours quite often. Mind you half of London seems to wear loud outfits.

EDINA: Loud! I’ll give you loud. Where’s my bloody coffee!?

CHARLOTTE: It’ll just be few minutes as you can see the machine is already in use.

EDINA: A few minutes, what sort of ship are you running here?! (Reading name badge) “Charlotte Turtle” (loses train of thought) What is that, some sort of name and spirit animal thing? (Picks up train of thought) You weird woke-lings. I’ll play along shall Edina, wolf.

PATSY: Darling I thought your spirit animal was a sloth

EDINA: shhhh Pats shhhh.

CHARLOTTE: I’m not running any kind of ship, at most I’m just a cabin girl. As for the Turtle it’s my surname. Now can I take a name for the cups?

PATSY: That’s a weird last name. Patsy Stone and Edina Monsoon. (Pointing to Edina) Her ex husband was called Turtle too.

_Charlotte has a sudden look of dread the moment she hears the words Edina Monsoon._

CHARLOTTE: (uneasy high pitch tone) Right I’ve got those written down. Please take a seat.

_Charlotte turns round cringing, sorts self out and talks to a work colleague._

CHARLOTTE : Can you just serve these two? I’ve got to make a phone call it’s a … family emergency.  
_Gets phone out of work apron and ducks into a secluded corner._  
Dad? It’s code red head. Ok I’ll say I’m ill. I don’t think she’s realised I’m her granddaughter but the less time I’m here the less chance she’ll have of figuring it out. Ok if she does though it’s straight to usual story isn’t it? Bye, love you too.  
_Phone back in pocket. Takes off apron._  
One week on the job and I’m already pulling a sicky.

_Back to Edina and Patsy waiting for their coffee._

PATSY: Weird thing that barista having Marshall’s last name isn’t it?

EDINA: Yes, it’s such a weird coincidence because the only people I know with that surname are Marshall, Bo my son Serge of course. You don’t suppose she could be related to them do you?

PATSY: No definitely not. Marshall’s wife is far too old for her to be her daughter.

EDINA: Bo is the same age as me darling.

PATSY: She’s old enough to be that student’s grandmother.

EDINA: That’s a bit… wait she’s old enough to be her grandmother! That means so would I. What if she’s you know?

PATSY: What Eddie, what?

EDINA: If she’s not Marshall’s what if she’s… Serge’s?

PATSY: No he’s in New York isn’t he.

EDINA: I wouldn’t know. I haven’t heard from him in (gasps) 18 years. She is she must be.

PATSY: Come on this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten confused about Serge.

EDINA: Turtle, never met her Gran who lives in the city, fond of good clothes

PATSY: She said loud outfits Eddie.

_Charlotte sneaks past Edina and Patsy. As she walks past her Edina spots Charlotte’s phone in her backpack pocket. In the case is a pick of her with Serge._

EDINA: There she is darling. Let’s follow her.

_Get up and chase. Leave coffee shop._

**Ext: street near the Coffee shop.**  
_Charlotte scurries up the street. Edina follows in pursuit. She can’t run very fast because she is wearing high heels._

EDINA: Stop,darling,wait!

CHARLOTTE: Leave me alone.

EDINA: I just want to speak to you. Come on Pats keep up I’ve nearly caught her. Nothing can stop me

_Bang! Edina crashes into a lamppost. The screen goes black for a moment. We hear Edina groaning as the camera comes back into focus. Patsy and Charlotte are stood over her._

PATSY: Come on Eddie wake up.

CHARLOTTE: Give her a minute she’s coming round. Are you alright? Five minutes of knowing her and my grandmother is already passed on her floor.

PATSY: Eddie you were right for once, the little bitch just admitted it.

CHARLOTTE: Look she might have concussion so this is not the time for insults.

_Edina sits up Charlotte helps her._

EDINA: Darling is it true?

CHARLOTTE: (Checking for signs of injury) Yes, unfortunately. We were never supposed to meet but I guess that’s Sod’s law. (Holds up one finger for Edina to follow)

EDINA: (whilst following finger moving entire head) Why are you here?

CHARLOTTE: Head still. Can’t you tell by the shabby clothes and proximity to campus? I’m getting a degree at the university.

EDINA: Not the same uni-bloody-versity as Saffy. I don’t want another uptight shirt for a relative.

CHARLOTTE: I’m not at the same university as Aunt Saffy. She went to Regent’s this is ICL territory. Well there doesn’t seem to be any signs of damage although you did hit the post with quite some force.

PATSY: Whose fault is that then? If you hadn’t ran off we’d be in her office by now.

EDINA: My office! We need to get there now I’m late and I need that kenco deal. Where’s the car?

PATSY: Just at the end of the road darling.

_Edina gets up and heads for the car._

EDINA: Right off we go. That includes you sweetie. (Points accusingly at Charlotte) You’re the one who knocked me out so you can explain why I’m late.

CHARLOTTE: Technically the lamppost knocked you out.

PATSY: Listen you piece of shit if you don’t get in the car we’ll sue.

CHARLOTTE: On what grounds?

_Patsy burns Charlotte with her cigarette end. Charlotte cries in pain._

EDINA: Come on darling you said it yourself I could be con-custard or something. How would you feel if I died and it was your fault. It's not like Patsy knows he symptoms.

CHARLOTTE: I suppose she’s usually the one suffering from them. Fine I’ll come. (To patsy) You first.

_The Patsy snarls at Charlotte. Charlotte sits down the car begrudgingly. The car drives off._

**INT: Edina’s office**  
_Edina rushes through the door Patsy saunters in after her with Charlotte walking suspiciously behind Patsy. Charlotte now acts cautiously around her. Bubble is waiting in the office. Patsy grabs a bottle of wine off Edina’s desk and helps herself. Charlotte finds a pack of cards somehow and picks them up._

EDINA: I’m here! I’m here! Point towards the nearest IPad or PC. What have we got Bubble?

BUBBLE: Well I’ve got a slight case of the sniffles and the girl on the third floor has got cystitis.

EDINA: Not illnesses, work bubble, work.

BUBBLE: Nothing on the phones but you’ve got a load of internet post.

EDINA: Emails, darling emails!

BUBBLE: Yeah them. They’re all from the same old bloke.

EDINA: I don’t email old men

BUBBLE: Yes you do. Kenneth

EDINA: I don’t know a Kenneth. Anyway how do you know he’s old?

BUBBLE: Name one young person called Kenneth.

EDINA: Kenneth Branagh.

BUBBLE: I said young. You must know him, he runs his own company.

EDINA: Do you really think I spend my time with old men who are small business owner bubble? Just delete those emails.

BUBBLE: Alright but I thought Ken-co was really going places.

Bubble leaves.

EDINA: Kenco! Bubble wait.

_Edina chases after her. Patsy and Charlotte are left in the office together in the office._

PATSY: Stupid woman she knows nothing!

CHARLOTTE: That’s no way to talk about your friend.

PATSY: Not Eddie, Bubble you smart arse.

CHARLOTTE: I reckon she actually knows far too much otherwise why keep her?

PATSY: (watches Charlotte lay out cards) What’s that your playing, 1 person poker?

CHARLOTTE: No, it’s the twenty one card trick.

PATSY: Oh I did that a casino once. They caught me and threw me out.

CHARLOTTE: It’s not for gambling, it’s a magic trick.

PATSY: There’s no such thing. (Pause) How does it work?

CHARLOTTE: I’ll show you the trick but I shan’t tell you how it works. (Starts laying down cards) you see most tricks are a case of maths or sleight of hand...

_Fade in and fade out showing the passage of time._

CHARLOTTE: And is this your card?

PATSY: No.

CHARLOTTE: lying?

PATSY: (mumbles) No. (angry) Do you waste your time often with these things?

CHARLOTTE: What sleight of hand? (Pats nods) Occasionally between biomed lectures. How long is Gran taking in there?

_Edina bursts back from the corridor Bubble in tow._

EDINA: Right that’s the Kenco deal sorted.

BUBBLE: Who's that one (points at Charlotte,who is right next to Patsy after the card trick)

EDINA: Come on bubble, you know Patsy.

BUBBLE: Not the narrow flue. The one with the cards.

EDINA: That’s my granddaughter bubble. We’re bonding aren’t we sweetie.

CHARLOTTE: She basically kidnapped me through guilt.

BUBBLE: Hello, Lola you look different. Have you had a hair cut.

EDINA: No darling she’s not Lola, this is …

_Edina has completely forgotten and looks to her granddaughter for help. Begrudgingly Charlotte mouths her name to Edina._

EDINA: (slowly reading lips) Charlotte. She’s Serge’s you see.

BUBBLE: Has he come out as straight now?

EDINA: What are you talking about?

BUBBLE: Has he come out as straight now? You’re always going on about how great Serge is because he’s gay. How’s he got a daughter?

EDINA: Errrm. I didn’t ask.

_Looks to Charlotte for help again._

CHARLOTTE: I’m adopted.

PATSY: Like a mongrel.

BUBBLE: Nice to meet you adopted. This old woman thinks you’re called Charlotte. I mean she ought to know considering she says she’s your grandma.

CHARLOTTE: Ha, my name is Charlotte. However, we only met me today so I wouldn’t be surprised if she got my name wrong.

PATSY: Eddie look it’s six o’clock time to go.

EDINA: Eurgh work day over. The hours of grind finally finished only to be resumed tomorrow.

CHARLOTTE: Yes all 4 of them. Now commandant can you please take me back to my halls of residence.

EDINA: You make me sound like a prison guard sweetie.

CHARLOTTE: I made you sound like a nazi but you got the fact that it was negative. For the last 4 hours you’ve kept me captive. You clearly don’t have concussion and you can no longer use the excuse of “you can’t leave I’m working” anymore.

PATSY: Come on Eddie we don’t need her.

EDINA: Alright I suppose I’ve had my fun. I just wanted to see my grand-baby for the first time.

CHARLOTTE: As you can see I’m not a baby I’m an adult. Now please drive me home.

**Ext: outside Edina’s PR office.**  
_A car is parked outside the building. Patsy Charlotte and Edina are all about to get in. Edina is being unusually nice. She keeps petting Charlotte on the shoulders and being affectionate. Charlotte just wants to leave her dad told her she should avoid her Gran at all costs._

EDINA: Now Patsy you go in first and Charlotte you sit in the middle so you can talk to me and Patsy.

_Charlotte climbs in and Edina follows._

**Int: Edina’s car**  
_Edina closes the car door._

EDINA: Are you all strapped in darling. Good, yes, in that case 34 Claremont Avenue!

CHARLOTTE: Gran!

EDINA: What darling?

CHARLOTTE: I know in the office I joked about you kidnapping me but I didn’t expect you to do it.

PATSY: Oh shut up it’s not like we’ve used any chloroform.

_Edina nods and grins with agreement_

EDINA: It’s not kidnapping if you’re related, darling.

CHARLOTTE: Technically we’re not.

EDINA: Oh yes adopted, unfortunately you’re still a Monsoon.

CHARLOTTE: Turtle!

PATSY: Eddie, do you reckon he got her from the blue cross or RSPCA?

CHARLOTTE: Ha, ha.

PATSY: I hope she doesn’t have worms.

**Ext: car driving through streets of London**  
_The car drives on but we hear their conversation._

CHARLOTTE: Could you open the window please I’m not used to smoke.

EDINA: Oh alright darling

PATSY: Good job Eddie dogs die in hot cars.

**Ext: Edina’s house**  
_Car pulls up._

EDINA: Here we are darling this is my pad

PATSY: Do you reckon he’s had her spayed and neutered?

CHARLOTTE: That’s an awful lot of dog puns, rather suggests your bark is worse than your bite.   
  
_Charlotte climbs out of the car after Edina. Patsy staggers out she’s found a bottle of Stoli in her handbag and is now fairly pissed_

CHARLOTTE: That’s it! I can probably find the university from here.

EDINA: Sweetie calm down. We’re here now so you might as well come in. Academics are supposed to be logical aren’t they?

CHARLOTTE: Look I was ever supposed to meet you so I’m just going to leave.

EDINA: but darling all your relatives are in there. There’s your aunt Saffy and your great grandmother’s on the mantelpiece well most of her. Patsy accidentally snorted some of her by mistake.

CHARLOTTE: I can meet them elsewhere. (Begins to walk away)

EDINA: Darling, that makes it sound like they already knew you were in London. If that were the case I’d have to have very strong words with your aunt and cousin!

_Charlotte freezes. If she leaves now the Edina will know that Serge and Saffy had an avoidance strategy in place for her. It would only take the slightest suspicion for Gran to blow her top. She can do that to her father's sister can she?_

PATSY: Come on Eddie, crap or get off the pot.

_Charlotte is having a moral dilemma_

CHARLOTTE: I shouldn’t, I can’t, I mustn't, I won’t. Argh. Ok just to say hello and then I disappear into obscurity again.

PATSY: You’re pretty obscure now so it makes no odds!

EDINA: Wonderful darling.

**Int: Edina’s landing**  
_Edina hurries through with Patsy and Charlotte in close pursuit. The animosity between P and C is quite clear._

EDINA: Saf! Saf! You’ll never guess what happened today.

_Edina makes her way down to the kitchen. Charlotte bundles past Patsy in pursuit of Edina._

PATSY: Eddie don’t forget Muttley here.

_Charlotte turns round and does a sarcastic Muttley laugh. Everyone down to the kitchen_

**Int: Edina’s kitchen**  
_Saffy gets up from the kitchen table with concern._

SAFFRON: What’s happened Mum?

EDINA: Darling look what I found? (Grabs Charlotte) It’s Serge’s daughter.

SAFFRON: (As if having been found out) I know I should have told you but Serge made it very clear he didn’t want you to know about Charlotte.

EDINA: Sweetie darling is this true? you kept my granddaughter a secret from me.

CHARLOTTE: I hadn’t told them you knew, sorry.

PATSY: Let me have the little bitch troll. I’ll give her a piece of my mind.

_Patsy lights up a cigarette and steps menacingly toward Saffron._

PATSY: You ungrateful little swine your mother’s done everything for you and you won’t even tell her about this lump of nothing. (Points to Charlotte) You’ve had all the things I could have dreamed of but you just threw them away. When I get my hands on you...

_Charlotte unexpectedly slides in between Patsy and Saffron. Her arms are held out towards Patsy and Edina much like the velociraptor scene in Jurassic world._

CHARLOTTE: That’s quite enough!

SAFFRON: (Surprised) Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE: It’s alright. Aunt Saffy was doing what my Dad asked her to so if you want to be mad, be mad at him.

EDINA: I would be if I knew where the bloody hell he was.

CHARLOTTE AND SAFFRON: He’s studying the migrations of Adelie penguins in Antarctica. Yes we’ve emailed the South Pole.

EDINA: It’s a bollocking conspiracy Pats.

PATSY: Sit Fido.

_Patsy grabs Charlotte by the shirt. Charlotte puts her hands on top of Patsy hands seemingly trying to remove. She is shoved into a chair._

PATSY: I wish I could just snub you out.

_Attempts to burn Saffy then panics when she can’t find her fag. Charlotte stands back up in between Saffy and patsy more confidently this time arms behind her back._

CHARLOTTE: What’s the matter, have you lost something patsy? (Reveals cigarette but to Saffy) I hope you weren’t planning on doing the human ashtray again my arm still sore from earlier. (Twists arm showing burn mark) Speaking of earlier do you remember what I said about card tricks? It’s all a case of maths and…

PATSY: Sleight of hand. Yooouu.

_Charlotte snubs out the cigarette in front of Patsy._

EDINA: Sweetie

CHARLOTTE: Right then Gran you and Pats up to the living room. Here’s the champagne. Go celebrate a new family member.

EDINA: Darling? Are you going to join us?

CHARLOTTE: In a minute or two ok.

_Edina and patsy walk upstairs mumbling something like time to get shitfaced. Silence until they leave._

SAFFRON: How did you do thatPatsy’s usually got a grip like a vice when it comes to cigarettes.

CHARLOTTE: A magician never reveals their secrets.

SAFFRON: Sorry about her finding you. I know you didn’t want any of this.

CHARLOTTE: Don’t apologise for them. Besides it was Dad who didn’t want me to meet Gran. I actually quite liked the idea of having relatives if they wanted me. This hiding from her is ridiculous I mean I’ve only just found out I’ve got a cousin.

SAFFRON: Yes, Jane she’s upstairs at the moment.

CHARLOTTE: Is it alright if we…? (points upstairs)

SAFFRON: Of course

_Charlotte and Saffron head upstairs_

**Int: Edina’s landing**

SAFFRON: Jane come down here please.

_We hear a door close and footsteps approach. Jane pauses at the bottom of the stairs when she spots Charlotte and looks confused._

SAFFRON: Jane, this is Charlotte your cousin I was telling you about earlier.

JANE: But I thought we weren’t supposed …

CHARLOTTE: I know.

JANE: And did she…? (Gestures to living room where Edina and Patsy can be heard having good time)

CHARLOTTE: Yep.

SAFFRON: I’ll leave you two to get to know each other.

_Heads back to kitchen_

JANE: How did she...? There was a plan and everything.

CHARLOTTE: Turns out Gran has a way of finding things she’s not supposed to.

_Edina bursts through the door_

EDINA: Look Sweetie I found my joint box we can share one if you like.

_Collapses on the floor. Charlotte looks at Edina and then back at Jane_

CHARLOTTE: Case and point.

 _Title music_.

_Charlotte and Jane pick up Edina and struggle to get her to bed. They keep trying to lie her down but Edina keeps popping up like a jack in a box. Charlotte gestures over to the door Jane opens it and comes back they lie Edina down do a 3 second countdown and run out closing the door._

The end.


End file.
